This has been something that I’ve really been bottling up lately. I feel like post secondary schooling could go two totally different ways for people. It could either be the highlight of of your short lived life or it could be the most depressing years that you try to forget the minute you receive that diploma. I am currently in second year university and I am in the group where I every day I go to school, I am unhappy and depressed.
Back when I was applying to the program that I am currently in, I was totally stoked to be part of the program, hoping every day that I would get accepted. I remember the day I received the email with my acceptance letter, I was on break at work in the change room, and I was so excited that I immediately called my mom and started yelling on the phone, not even thinking about what my coworkers might be thinking about what was going on with me. It was such an exciting moment for me, and in a sense it was sort of a relief as well because this was the program that my parents have been talking about since I decided what route I was going to follow. I really wanted to make them proud and it seemed like I did at the time. Things weren’t going so well for me in the friend department during my final year of high school, so being accepted to this program made it seem like things were finally going to turn around.
Now fast forward to the beginning of freshman year. I was in a total daze because I just started dating my boyfriend at the time. Everything seemed perfect. I was putting my high school years behind me and university was supposed to be a chance for me to start over completely. And I thought that would be the case until I attended my so called “frosh week”. I think I might have set the bar too high with my expectations because I heard from many people that frosh week is supposed to be amazing and you meet your best friends there. But when it happened, I was totally disappointed. Maybe it was my fault also because during frosh week I blocked people out. I just didn’t really like the vibe that I was receiving from the people there. In fact, I was a bit uncomfortable. People were just very intimidating and I wasn’t able to really find a connection with someone. At the time, I just brushed it off and made an excuse that maybe frosh just wasn’t my thing and maybe when classes began, then things would change. But unfortunately they didn’t. In fact, I started to hate school. I hated the program, I hate my courses, and most importantly I hate the people. I felt left out, like I didn’t belong. So I just kept to myself in every single on of my classes. In freshman year, I also took elective courses that didn’t relate directly to my program so I got to meet people from within my university. And let me just tell you that I had much more fun in these courses than the ones that I had to take in my actual program.
I don’t know why things happened the way they did. I ended up dragging myself through first year, barely passing some of my courses. I was so unhappy. I was on the verge of depression. At the back of my head all I was thinking about were my parents. I’m in this specialized program for them. I will earn my diploma for them. And that’s what helped me finish first year.
Things started to turn around when summer arrived. I got a new job, that I love and am still working there. I went on a much need vacation with my entire family which was absolutely amazing. Needless to say, I seemed happier. I even became excited to start school again. I put myself in a mind set that my sophomore year would be different. I would make more friends at school, do well in all my courses and be able to work part-time. That mind set took a 180 degree turn when I received horrible news that I don’t want to mention because it brings back extremely bad memories to this day. But let’s just say that my mindset and all the excitement that came with it was torn apart. When I received these news, I thought that my life was destroyed. I felt lost and most certainly alone. By the way, just to be clear, the news I received had nothing to do with pregnancy. Luckily, my parents were very accepting of the news and just told me to keep my head high and that this wasn’t the end of the world. And they were right, things turned around and I was able to put that aside so I could focus on school. I tried to get back into the mindset, but the news rattled me a little too much that I was unable to bounce back. The first week of school was okay. But I soon realized that friendships were already made last year. So I was already on the outside right during the first week. That’s the problem with my program being so small. It’s similar to a high school setting. In high school, you have cliques, small classrooms, everyone knowing everyone. And in my program, it’s the same, except the cliques are cultural based. It seems like students from the same cultural background only hang out with one another. Everyone already had their group of friends, and then there’s me stuck on the outside. I started to get back into the routine I was in during my freshman year. I tried really hard to escape it, but I just couldn’t force myself to be happy in an environment where I couldn’t be myself. The only thing that I am currently excited about is the possibility of going on exchange next year. However the only thing holding me back is that my GPA might not be good enough.
I think since I started university, I’ve created this mindset for myself of not being good enough. This is terrible considering my self esteem level was already close to zero. At the moment, it’s in the negative range. And I don’t know what to do! The only places I feel comfortable are at work, when I’m with family and my tight knit group of friends and of course at the gym. Maybe you guys have some suggestions as to what I should do and how I could get myself out of this rut? Have you guys experienced anything similar to what I’m currently going through? If so, please give me some suggestions or let me know how you got through it. I don’t know how I could survive another two years and a half in this place! Sometimes I wish I lived in a world where I went to a school like Hogwarts, where you mainly had to worry about tricks and spells. Now that would be awesome!
Thanks for listening!
Anna Sky x